As I am sure I have mentioned, I have been awaiting results of a biopsy performed on a tumor in my pancreas last week. Based on the way the doctor had originally described the tumor, "suspicious looking" and the biopsy as "aggressive", I was pretty much steeled for less than great news and resigned to returning to MUSC to have said tumor removed. "Steeled" and "resigned" sound so much more macho than scared like a baby in the dark without a blankie. I really don't think I am afraid of dying, but certainly would not look forward to leaving a beautiful wife, two lovely grandchildren, great boys and a wonderful daughter-in-love, and the most wonderful array of friends anyone could ever hope to have, but not terribly afraid of death. I would say I was just afraid of pain and there would be a modicum of truth there. While living with chronic pain increases your pain tolerance, it also makes you dread the thought of more of it. The doctor who watched another doctor perform my endoscopy and was dispatched to give me the news also called yesterday to say that the biopsied cells were "atypical". WTH? I know what cancer cells are, I know what beta cells are, I know what islet cells are, I know what dead cells are, but what the heck are atypical cells? What is not typical about them? In simplest terms, they are cells with some unusual characteristics that could become cancer cells.

But during this time of wondering during the call and afterwards I became aware of what I am most scared of. An atypical result and isn't that the rub of what we do or don't do in life. If my surgeon said there is a 97% probability that we will remove the tumor and a 3% chance you may die while we're trying and that's that (I'm actually certain the chance of death is probably closer to .2% or something like that, but you get the point). Those are the only two possible outcomes and I would say OK, charge ahead and get that atypical thing out of my body; if I am going to be atypical, I want it to be for all to see because that is entertaining. Our greatest fears come from an answer like; there is a 95% chance of complete success, a .5% chance you will die, and a 4.5% chance that something we can not quantify may happen. We may poke a hole in your esophagus or stomach so you can't eat normally, you may have oxygenation problems and we lose a bunch of brain cells (OK, some of the few I have left) and you'll live twenty years in a vegetative state, or any number of things including MERSA or leaving a screwdriver that the OR table repairman left laying around inside your stomach and it trying to exit through your intestines.

We sometimes approach God with this same fear of the "atypical". If you believe in me and my son, repent of your sins and make some attempt to live within the parameters I have set, you will go to heaven and if you don't at least do the first three, no amount of effort will get you into heaven. I know that is simplification, but if a 3-4 year old could understand, then it is complicated enough. We look at those two options and eventually we may come to fully believe that those are the only two options (that is in fact what I believe) and after some period of trying to hide from him, we finally come out into the light and admit that we want the first option or what is behind door one. Oops, there are usually two things behind door 1. The real issue is that we think of the "normal" christian that we have set up in our mind as our "model or what is typical". Unfortunately, the more we actually want to get from this relationship, we realize how "atypical" God wants us to be. I can't laugh with the rest of the guys when another church-member tells an off color joke - they'll think I am abnormal. I need to step out and dismantle someone else's berating of a group when they label them all falsely. I can't just look the other way when a coworker pads an estimate and overcharges a client because "they'll never miss those dollars" and then I get passed over for that job with a $50k higher salary. Whoa! That's atypical or abnormal. I am not really who and what you want me to be when I just go along for the ride? I am paraphrasing greatly, but in "The Screwtape Letters" CS Lewis makes the point that only when we want and begin to try to be in a personal relationship with our creator. The God that wants that so desperately that he waits and waits however long it takes until you consent to that kind of relationship. Only then do we realize how truly typical our lives are and how atypical he wants them. How amazingly abnormal he wants us to appear to the rest of the world. I guess that is why I would truthfully have to admit to a certain level of fear about my atypical cells because they may lead to an atypical result. However, in the end, He will use that for a purpose and that makes everything just a bit less scary.